


I Found a Reason

by Mraowface



Series: Velvet Underground [5]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Caring Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley dreams of Falling, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Crowley, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:29:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22466461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mraowface/pseuds/Mraowface
Summary: Crowley dreams of Falling, and finds a new way to cope
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: Velvet Underground [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1507013
Comments: 3
Kudos: 45





	I Found a Reason

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for self-harm descriptions. Take care!

Crowley was dreaming of Falling. He felt the wind rush past him, feathers on fire, mouth full of ash. All around him, he heard screaming. There was no escape. A flaming lake down below rushed towards him. He only ever woke up when he hit bottom.

When he did wake, Crowley was already mid-panic attack. His lungs wheezed as he tried to draw breath. He could feel his heart hammering, useless adrenaline surging round his body. He knew how this story went.

There wasn't much of a choice to be made about what happened next. He needed to harm himself somehow – it was the only way to release the adrenaline and let him calm down. The only choice was how.

He usually went for cutting. The chill of the razor blade in his hand would soothe him, and there was a visceral joy in watching it bite into his flesh, welling up red blood on white skin. By rights his arms should have been corrugated with past scars. Call it a bonus of still having powers.

When he really hated himself, he went for burning. Skin charring and blistering, turned a shiny red. He could take a bitter pride in making a bad situation worse. That one really stirred up the self-loathing.

Today, Crowley chose cutting. He kept an ill-advised stash of razor blades in his bedside drawer. He wouldn't even have to leave the bed. Crowley reached automatically for the box.

And stopped. He wasn't in his bedroom. He was in Aziraphale's flat above the shop. _Their_ flat. He stopped reaching for the non-existent drawer, and leaned back among the comfortable pillows, feeling nothing but confusion.

Minutes passed as he tried not to move, not to think, in case he shattered this fragile reality. Gradually, his heart slowed. He could just about breathe again, and thinking seemed a little bit easier, less risky.

When he felt able to move, Crowley snapped his fingers. Music played, and he closed his eyes to listen.

_Oh, I do believe  
If you don't like things you leave  
For someplace you've never  
gone before _

Crowley gave a grim chuckle at this part, still thinking about falling, and then twitched his eyes open as he heard footsteps.

Aziraphale entered the room, carrying an espresso cup. “Oh good, I hoped you'd be up.” He halted as he caught sight of his demon's face. “Is everything ok, dear? You look pale.”

“I'm... I had a dream. About falling.” Crowley winced at his own honesty.

“Oh, my dear.” Aziraphale quickly set aside the coffee cup. “What can I do to help?”

“Just... just being here is good.”

Aziraphale joined him on the bed, rubbing Crowley's hand gently.

_Honey, I found a reason to keep living  
And you know the reason dear it's you  
And I've walked down life's lonely highways  
hand in hand with myself  
And I realize  
how many paths have crossed between us_

It felt good not to be alone.

_Oh, I do believe  
you are what you perceive  
What comes is better than what  
came before_


End file.
